Where should I start? Our love was that of a classic toxic love story… Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl spends time with boy, girl experiments with boy, girl begins to feel dependent on boy, girl looses part of her identity to boy, boy breaks girl’s heart, girl comes back for more, boy promises to make things better, girl is naive, boy breaks girl’s heart, girl is lost, boy breaks girl’s heart, girl is broken, boy breaks girl’s heart, …and then girl is left to pick up the pieces. Just like a true toxic relationship, this was how our tainted love existed. I loved you until I hated you, but you had such a hold on me that I never wanted to walk away from you. You were a part of my identity, and you made me into the person that people loved to be around, or so I thought. You took my kind heart, and replaced it with a numb blood-pumping machine. You stole my innocence, and replaced it with tarnish.
Of course we had our good times… The nights spent dancing on tables, laughing with friends, clinking shot glasses to celebrate another year older. You fueled some of the most fun nights of my life with my friends. We all sit around years later and still laugh about the nights you got us to go to White Castle at 3 am in stilettos, make friends and take pictures with random girls in bathrooms, and get that hot guy’s phone number at the bar. You gave us the stories we will talk about for the rest of our lives, and you even brought some of us closer together. You became such a big part of our lives that we thought you’d always be around.
Where did it go wrong? Where did we lose what we first had? At some point, our fun-loving relationship turned into one that was unhealthy, toxic, and killing who I was inside. When did you turn into this horrible thing right before my eyes? You have left scars on my heart and my soul that may never fully heal. You suddenly turned into an aggressive, manipulative, controlling thing in my life. You made me do things I would have never done without you. You got me into situations I should have never been in. You were the reason I never made it past the bus ride to my sorority formal in college, you were the reason my relationship with my parents was almost destroyed, and you were the reason some of the friends that meant more to me than anything in the world were torn away from me.
I found myself feeling such a dependence on you that I wasn’t sure how to be confident or how to be me without you there. You made me into the outgoing, bubbly young woman I was. You made me into the life of the party. You filled me with the false sense of confidence that I exuded on a dance floor every weekend in the skimpiest outfit. You were the reason I got the attention I was so used to receiving. I looked forward to our weekends together, because that was the time I felt most like myself. You had become such a huge piece of my puzzle that I didn’t know how to feel like myself without you anymore.
It took some time, and it sure wasn’t easy to leave you. People told me you weren’t good for me, but I secretly didn’t want to hear it. There were many times I considered if we could ever be together again, to go back to what we once were. Sometimes when I saw photos of us together, I missed you. Maybe after some time had passed we could be together again.. if things were different… if you changed… if I changed… I played with the idea often. But now I realize that sometimes two things are never good for each other, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise. And it takes a strong sense of maturity and knowing what is best for you to come to that realization. And the bottom line I realized is.. I DON’T NEED YOU.
I don’t need you in my life to be the person I am. I don’t need you in my life to smile and have fun. I don’t need you in my life to have real connections with people. I don’t need you in my life to live. So here I am, on the outside looking back in on a relationship I could never imagine being gone from my life. There were times I thought I’d never be able to say that I don’t want you anymore, but I am saying it loud & clear. I am here standing on my own two feet, without you. I am here with amazing friendships, without you. I am here seeing places I would have never seen, without you. I am here living every day of my damn life to the fullest, WITHOUT YOU. xx.
About the Author
Your not-so-typical Millennial Female residing in the suburbs of Detroit and craving to leave her mark on the world. I am a Self-Published Author, Makeup Artist, Business Owner, Youtuber, Blogger, Podcast Host, Sobriety Advocate, Dog Mom, and Lover of all things carbs. “Sober as F***” was my first full-length book and memoir about sobriety, and I have gone on to publish three additional pieces (all available on Amazon). My podcast “Her Best F***ing Life” is on iTunes & Stitcher an offers a no-bullshit, real, raw place for some serious female inspiration.